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| why do we keep ending up all confused and mixed up about each other? we barely dated, but it got so intense so fast. i admit i got scared and ended it, but that was no call to not speak to me for months. and then when we were getting to be closer friends again, you just had to make me care for you. and you had a girlfriend that you didn't even care about. and then i got to hear stuff about how you were debating cheating on her with some other girl you didn't care about. and it was a lot to deal with because i really felt for you. and i told you that i really liked you. and you basically told me to fuck off and started yelling (or rather, emailing) me to shut up because it was my fault we weren't together. then, right before i left for school, we had that amazing day. and i really think i fell in love with you then. and you visited me and it was awkward because you wouldn't talk to me, and you hated my friends, and they hated you because you were being kind of a jerk. that really messed me up. you were one of the most important people in my life from home and to have you completely in discord with my new life at school really hurt. and then i came home and saw you and you basically dismissed me. you stood there as i hugged you and wouldn't hug me back. that hurt so much.
and then the next time i saw you over thanksgiving break, you were acting jealous when i was talking to a mutual friend of ours. we weren't flirting. and even if we were, you had no right to be annoyed and even less of a right to snap at him to stop flirting with me. and then you made a crack about me being "the bisexual". that hurt, you jackass. yes, im bi. yes, that makes you uncomfortable. oh well. but don't use that to hurt me.
i had decided to stop being your friend. our friendship was hurting me. i know you were having a rough time because of all the things in your life, but you were being a jerk and not the person i used to know. i saw you a few times when the semester ended. casually because of friends.
and then we had the party at your house for our friend's birthday. it was a good night, mostly. we interacted, it was cool. i was feeling pretty good most of the night. but things were a little off between me and some of our other friends, so i was not in the happiest state of mind when i had my first drink. or my second. or my third. it was on my second or third drink (or maybe fourth) that you threw a pissy fit about a poker game and went upstairs to sulk. and then i went to check on you and you wouldn't open the door. and when i went back people were joking about how i should flash you to cheer you up. and then even starting pushing me up the stairs. (im still a little annoyed with them, because they knew i was drunk.) and you came down and joined us and was still a little snappy. and you were sulking in the other part of the room so i went to join you. yes, i did hide how drunk i was. because i was focusing on being a friend for you. a friend! i sat with you and made small comments about random things, and told you i wasn't going to go away because a friend wouldn't go away. you even physically pushed me away and knocked the chair over, and i still didn't go. and i thought i was getting through to you. i didn't even notice when our friends left. i sort of did, but not really. (im still kind of mad at them for just leaving.)
and then we were sitting on the couch and you were smiling again. and then you were tickling me and we were laughing. and you were on top of me. and then you were kissing me and your hands were on me and it was all so new to me. you were the only person i had ever kissed, and that was a year and half before this. i had never been physical with someone besides a few pecks on the lips. and you were touching me and i sort of knew what was going on but damnit! i was drunk! and my shirt came off and yours did too and you were still on top of me, grinding on top of me. i know i kissed you back. i know i didn't ask you to stop. i know that at one point i was on top of you. and you maybe didn't even know how much i had to drink. you were absorbed in poker and i was watching tv. it was like i knew what was happening and just went with it and i didn't know why it was happening and couldn't really think of anything else. and i remember your face as you unzipped your jeans. it was like you were nervous and excited and amazed at me. things are sort of blurry here. i know i was touching you. and you were on top of me again. i think your hand might of went near my pantline but im pretty sure that i moved your hand away. even drunk i knew i didn't want anything to do with my pants opening or coming off. that would have shocked me sober. and everything was so real. and then we were just lying next to each other. my hair was all knotted and crazy and you were looking at me and it was dark and the tv was still on and i couldn't beleive any of it had happened.
then we sat up. i couldn't find my shirt and you handed it to me. my hair was a mess. the first thought i remember is when we started to go upstairs (you first and me following) i stumbled, and i realized i was drunk. and then you walked me home (because it was 4:30 in the morning) and i was still drunk and therefore giggly. and then we stood in my driveway and you asked if we should account it all to the alcohol.---you knew i had been drinking. you were completely sober. i knew that must be a bad thing. and i remember thinking i didn't want you to feel bad. so i said the alcohol didn't make me do anything i didn't want to do and kissed you and it was all so natural and i went inside. and went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. my hair was a disaster, all knotted and crazy. my eyes were glassy. i had hickies all on my neck (i had never gotten a hicky before). my clothes were all messed up. and i was still drunk.
so yeah, i avoided you the next two days. which really hurt you because you were really happy about us. and then i finally went over to see you. we didn't talk. you wouldn't talk. i was upset. i wanted to know what was going on between us. you kinda figured we wouldn't get back together in a permanent relationship, considering i was running scared since i last saw you (and sobered up). and you were stone cold silent. and it hurt, because this all was a big deal for me. i went to having kissed someone twice to having done a lot more in a few hours. and i wanted to hear anything from you. anything. and you said we should pretend it never happened. you didn't say it should have never happened, but that it didn't change anything between us. but i was so changed by that night. and you yelled at me for having let one or two of ours friends know (because they saw the hickies). but i needed to talk to someone. and you got really mad and told me not to tell any of our other friends. so at the end of that awkward conversation, i made you stand up, so i could give you a hug, because that's how i end horrible conversations with you so you'll know i care. and at first you didn't respond but then your arms were around me and i ended the hug.it didn't feel right. i shouldn't have had to do that. because the night of the party i was trying to be a good friend. i was a good friend. i dealt with your crappy mood and tried to make you feel better. and you took advantage of me, damnit. i could never say that to you and not to our mutual friends. but im so fricking mad at you. why did you have to do that? why did you have to be on top of me or kiss me or touch me or do any of that with me? you knew i was drunk! you knew i would never do something like that sober! you knew that probably nothing would come of it even if you did hope for our relationship to change. i feel like the bad person, because im saying you should have taken responsibility for everything that happened. you were sober! i was drunk! and you were in a bad mood all night, and i was trying to be a friend, and im mad at you.
but i can't even stay mad at you. this was four months ago wednesday. i left home without saying goodbye to you. the night i left after our conversation i was hysterically crying on my friend's answering machine. and i have never cried like that. but when i went back to school, i could be upset without family asking why. i could say bad things about you. i could be mad at you. my friends here already hated you, and some of them despise you now and tell me what you did was wrong, that it was sexual assault. and i don't know whether ot believe them or not. and you do such shitty things. like talking to me about your guilt for almost cheating on your ex. have some tact, man. and we started talking online on a regular basis. and started getting closer again. and i was nervous to go home for spring break because i didn't know how it would be to see you. and then we were there and with friends and it was comfortable. it was nice. i wasn't so mad at you. and that night we were all kidding around about being in your bed without pants, and all had a playfight thing and most of us removed pants and our friends told me to take off yours, it was awkward, sure. but it wasn't that bad. we were all friends. and then i was the last one wearing pants, because im not really comfortable with just sitting around in my underwear and a shirt carousing with a bunch of people. and then our friends said to take off me pants. and you and another friend teamed up. and you had your arm over me pinning me down and unzipped my pants while our other friends starting pulling the jeans off my legs (and it was all in good fun) but i was so scared. and it made me uncomfortable. because i was trying to sit up and stop you but i couldn't. and i was squirming like hell trying to keep my pants on and i think one of my friends saw it because he said i could take my own pants off if i wanted so i said yes, yes, let me do that, let go of me. and so you did. and i felt so relieved. and then we were having fun again (this all took place in your bedroom, on your queen size bed). and a few minutes later you happened to be tickling me, and you were again holding me down to do it and it wasn't that uncomfortable, because you tickle me a lot. but then i remembered other stuff. the day before i left for school, the best day of our relationship ever, you were tickling me. the night we messed around/hooked up/got together, you were tickling me. and all of our friends were there so it wasn't that big of a deal. and i try to squirm away because im really ticklish but im never really successful and then you said it. i went kind of into shock when you said it. you said "yeah, you just lay down and take it." and it wasn't really funny anymore. and i know that our friend noticed that. he notices how things are between us. he's your best friend. he's been dating my best friend for four and a half years. it was his birthday we were celebrating that night. a few nights before this bed incident, we were hanging out somewhere and you were about to slam me with a pillow and i just sort of protected my glasses and he was a little confused/upset and told me to not to take that and threw a pillow at you.
and im still so confused. because then we all decided to sleep over and just go to sleep and iw as next to you on the bed. and it was like we were spooning but there was space between us. and it felt so right. natural. but then i thought about it and felt uncomfortable and sort of switched spaces with a friend.
and so confusion. and we still talk. a lot. more than we ever have, more than i do with other friends from home. and then the other day, we were playing a game. i had this thing where you associated colors with people and the answers tell you about your relationship with the people. and i told you not to tell me your answers, because it gets personal. but you told me anyway. and then i had to say that according to your answers i was your soulmate. and that was awkward. and then you said "well i guess it's hitting the nail on the head, right?" and really awkward.
and the reason im ranting about this is because tonight you, the one who never says anything real about your emotions but are still so sulky and loud, said that you were playing poker and were about to lose but remember me saying that you're really amazing at poker, and that helped you win. and it was a sentimental moment. but how the hell am i supposed to take that? when even last night i was trying to give you advice and you yelled at how annoying i am and i should stop being miss know it all? stop sending me different signals. you want me. you don't. you hate me. you care deeply about me. you regret everything that happened between us. you revel in it. i don't know what you want from me. you scare me. because our emotions are always so crazy and always changing. and how do i keep ending up mixed up with you?
i don't want this semester to end. not that this semester went well. i was a different person. and i don't want to say it was all due to that night but the fact remains i haven't gotten over what happened and i don't know how im supposed to feel about you or it and i've been so weird the past few months. but i don't want the semester to end because that means seeing you a lot (not to mention seeing people who really know me and really know that the way im behaving is not typical of me) and i don't know what is going to happen. some days all i want to do is curl up on the couch and watch cartoons with you. someday i just want you to stop being friends with any of my friends so i can have some drama-free time. and i can never say any of this to you. we don't talk. and you certainly would be so hurt that im even thinking any of this. and i don't want to hurt you. but i also don't want to hurt me anymore. im tired of hurting. im tired of it all. | | |
| i posted this on a livejournal "postsecret" community.
okay. so there was this night when i got drunk (my friends and i were
celebrating someone's birthday) at my ex's house. we ended up hooking
up. he was sober; he initiated it. i don't know if my conflicted
feelings right now are just regret or feelings about something not
being right. plus all the input from various friends has me really
confused.
so, question: if a guy hooks up with a drunk girl, and
she never says no or pushes him away and isn't passed out or anything,
is it sexual assault?
various responses on being able to consent under the influence of alcohol. then a really important response. "if you feel violated..."
i don't know. i don't know if i feel violated or just regret.
(another post)
i don't know though. i don't think he should have hooked up with me.
and the reason it even happened was also because he was furious and in
a really bad mood (about unrelated things that happened that evening)
and i was sitting with him trying to get him out of his sulky (no
longer angry) mood and i was so focused on him i barely noticed our
other friends leaving to go home. and then he seemed to get a little
happier and then he was tickling me and then he was on top of me
kissing me.
at the time? i was like "oh, he's kissing me. this is
interesting." and i knew what we were doing but i don't know if it
clicked. but i didn't quite think "oh, i want him to stop." or vocalize
any objection. and i wasn't like, passive. i was kissing him back.
and
i don't know if it's just regret or not. well for one, i had hickies on
my neck, so some of our friends noticed. and when i told him that some
people knew he was really annoyed at me but it wasn't like i could hide
them very well. and he said we would just pretend it didn't happen. and
it was a very distressing night when we had this discussion. but at the same time, i don't know what i wanted to have happened. i don't want a relationship with him, because i know that we're not that great together and he's not good for me. but i also don't want him pining after me because that would make him miserable.
so i have no idea if it's just regret.
1. it's not okay with me that he wants to ignore it.
2.
it's not okay with me that i was drunk. he knows i get drunk very
easily. he knew how much i had to drink that night. he knew i was drunk. after he had walked me home (and i sort of needed him to because i wasn't walking very straight) he asked if we should chalk it up to the three and half bitch drinks. and i told him that the alcohol didn't make me do anything i didn't want to do, because i felt like i had to reassure him. and i was still drunk. and i knew he didn't want it to just be about the alcohol. and then we kissed and i walked into my house. and then when we were having our discussion two days later (because i avoided him until the end of the second day) i told him, the truth: that it would have started the same, a few smoochies, but there would have been nothing more than that if i hadn't been drunk. does that mean it was sexual assault? or that im a little loose when drunk? or that the alcohol was just some liquid courage? (this second part i just added on)
3. it's not okay with me that he had been in a bad mood. i don't know what his motivations were.
4.
i don't know if im okay with what happened. we've hung out a few times
with others friends - friends who i don't think know about it - and
it's like it never happened. but then i was watching tv and i was
remembering what happened.
i can't talk about this with friends
because im not sure if they know; im not sure what his reaction would
be if he found out i told them; im not sure what their opinion of me
would me; im not sure if it came to picking sides, that they would
choose me over him. im actually fairly certain they would choose him
because in the past i sort of led him on and dumped him because i was
terrified of committment.
i don't know if im okay with
labeling it sexual assault. that lays all the blame at his feet. i was
there. and yes, i had been drinking. but yes, i was participating
willingly. so im mad at him. it's not okay with me. but i don't know if
i could ever look at him again with freaking out if i label it sexual
assault. and i could definitely not be around him, acting like nothing
ever happened. and i definitely could not ever ever tell our friends
about it. they would choose him to hang out with because i get the
feeling they don't even like me very much anymore. i don't like me very
much anymore.
and also:
i don't exactly know how drunk he thought i was. he should know that past one drink im tipsy and more than that im drunk. plus i hadn't eaten dinner. but i was quite with him the whole night. but i had told him, giggling, that i had already had three and a half drinks (in the span of like, half an hour).
i talked to some other people, asking them nonchalantly (through facebook and myspace) how drunk i was. my one friend, an old best friend and the longterm girlfriend of my ex's best friend, how drunk i was. her response "not that drunk when i left...why? can't you remember?" but she always either thinks im exaggerating my drunkenness or just underestimates how drunk i actually was.
there's also this: for like, the ten minutes before everyone else left, my ex and i were sitting in a different part of the room than everyone else. everyone else was watching tv on the couches and we were sitting at a table. everyone could see us but they didn't bother us. and we didn't talk. i just sat there with him, trying to be there for him as a friend. and he kinda kept telling me to go away, because he was sulking. he even pushed me away once. but i kept sitting there, standing there after he sort of knocked over my chair. and i was so quiet. and im gigly when im drunk. but i kept concentrating on being there for him so maybe i made it seem like i wasn't as drunk as i was.
another friend: "you were DRUNK...not falling over but i was afraid you might do something you regret"
this guy was a friend of my ex's, a bit younger than us. we've always been friendly towards each other and earlier i had been sitting with him just chatting. i had actually been talking mostly with him more than my other friends, so i trust his assessment of my alcohol level. i don't even know when he left. i was concentrating so hard on being a friend. plus, my ex doesn't like to see me talk to him, much, i don't think. one time a few months ago, we were all at my ex's house (because that's where we hang out). and there was a bunch of people there. but i was chatting with my ex's friends, because i know them, too. but this friend (the one whose assessment i trust) and i were talking and laughing or something, and my ex was in a bad mood, because he is a lot, and he kind of snapped at his friend "oh god stop flirting with her." i was kind of hurt by him that night as well because later he was sort of jokingly making fun of my old best friend (the one who gave the first assessment) and called her a whore. and iwas defending her. and then he's like "yeah, kristin the whore and lara the bisexual." i was not happy. and i don't think he knew i would hear that because i think he thought i left the room, but i was really pissed at him about that. not that i said anything.
and this all leads to: i don't know if i feel violated. i don't know if it's just regret. i don't know if i regret what happened. i don't know if all of that i just wrote was me psyching myself out. i make mountains out of molehills. i fantasize terrible things because that's why just comes out. but i don't know about any of this. because the more i wrote the less okay i am with all this. but when i think about what happened, i don't know if the tainted feeling is just all this crap that my head drew up or it was actually how it was. i don't know if im creating this all because im dissatisfied with how our relationship has turned out over the years, and im trying to subconsciously blame it on him. i just don't know.
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| im lonely.
my friends that are still at home make no effort to see me. true, i don't make an effort to see them, but when we did see each other they didn't seem to actually like me. which hurt. and i don't know if it's because they're mad at me for hooking up with one of our friends or not. and i can't ask them because im not even sure if they know about that. because the guy i hooked up with got really annoyed when i said some of our other friends knew. it wasn't like i could hide it from them when i had giant hickies on my neck. but he was really mad so i just let it go. and i feel kinda lost. my dad has a girlfriend. it's weird for me, to picture him with anyone but my mother. and, i mean, they still live together! it's not that im mad at him, or my mother last year when she had a boyfriend, but i hate this situation. because i feel like since they both live together they feel that the other one will be responsible for me or spend time with me or give a damn about me at all. and i know im not being very fair because they both love me so much. but my mother spends most of her time working or with her mother and my dad spends time working or on the phone with his girlfriend. and that on top of my friends not even inviting me to hang out? it does not make a happy lara..
i want to be back at school. the trouble is, i don't even really have that many friends at school. and im not so sure that the friends i do have even like me. im not sure i even like me. all i do is sit around and sleep or read shitty stories on the internet or watch recorded episodes of ANTM. i feel like a waste of space that can't really bring much to anyone. i really don't like this time. this time of not having a purpose. not having a purpose is dangerous for me because then i just wallow and i become increasingly disgusted with my behavior.
i just want to curl up and cry. but i won't because then i'll start fantasizing about becoming a cocaine addict or being attacked by my ex, because that's just the sort of shit my brain comes up with.
happy new year!
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| so, i made it through the rest of december without cutting. now im in the new year and hopefully can go the whole year without doing it. it's my resolution again.
so, a week ago i did something. it was my friend's birthday, so we were at another guy's, my ex's house. and i was drinking. and my ex was not, because he doesn't drink. and my ex got really angry and left the room and then he came back and was sulking in the corner so i went to sit by him and he was like, pushing me away, and telling me to go away, and i said i wouldn't because a friend wouldn't. everyone else ended up leaving. and we moved to the couch and sort of watched tv. and then he was tickling me. and then he was on top of me kissing me. so i went with it. and like, i knew what was happening and had control but i wasn' thinking very clearly. and all of a sudden (really not considering we were there for a few hours) our shirts are off and his pants are undone.
i know i had some control because when he went to stick his hand in my pants i stopped him. but other than that, i know i never would have done anything but kissing if i had been sober. and a peck on the lips is all i had ever done before that night. with the same guy.
and so, big deal. and then i went over to his house again to talk with him. and it was decided that we would pretend it never happened. which hurt me because its not like i do that all the time. and im pretty sure it hurt him because he has wanted to be with me for awhile.
but i was drunk. not that im excusing my behavior because i did make a choice to do the things i did and he didn't force me. but i was drunk. and i don't think he should have relied on my decision, considering that. i don't know if i consider it him taking advantage of me, but im not cool with it. especially because he was sober, deciding to do that; he instigated it; now he's saying we should forget it ever happened.
im just confused now.
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| i have cut twice more.
one night, i was sort of in a bad mood. and i ran into this girl who always pushes my buttons. ggrrr. and throughout dinner she would say stupid stuff and i would make fun of her for it. i don't do this to anyone else. she ended up getting really offended and upset and leaving. im not that person. im not that person who makes people hurt like that. i don't like her, but more i don't like me when im with her. she brings out the worst in me.
i was so angry at myself that i cut. a small one on my arm. that was two nights ago. then last night, i just really wanted to. so i did. sort of under my underwear and between my hip and leg.
i don't know if im going to do it again.
i have a final and two papers to do for the end of the semester. i don't know if i can get through them. one's a research paper i haven't really started. i need it done by tuesday morning. 8 pages. and the other is just a little hard, 5 pages. and the final is open book. i think i can do well. but im not. im just fooling around online or doing some stupid shit.
like a week ago, i snorted painkillers.
i don't like who i am.
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